There was a three year old boy I screened before, who was always "in his own little world".

To others, he seemed to treat people like tools. If he wanted something on a high shelf, he'd climb his caregivers as if they were trees. He barely cried, or whined, or did anything to gain attention from others. He was just there, alone. 

Often times, with children like him - we're told to "withhold" items until there is eye contact or words, we're told to prompt the child to look at us, point at what they want. All these are expectations, and I knew for a fact that it served little purpose at that point. 

I was given one key piece of information: He loved Baby Shark. So I picked up a xylophone, and began to play that familiar tune. First, he paused. Then, he walked towards the xylophone. 

I didn't ask him "Do you want more?" I didn't demand a "Do this!". Instead, I upped my affect. I started to sing gently to the tune and do a little dance. He observed for a little bit, he danced along. Then, it happened - a brief glance at my face, shared eye contact, glancing back at the xylophone. 

I didn't force eye contact, I got gaze shifting. It was shared joy. For the first time, we weren't just therapist and child - we were in the same world. 

The Myth of the Unreachable Child

As an early interventionist and parent coach, I hear the same worries across families: 

• "When will my child look at me?"

• "Why can't my child play with their classmates?"

• "Why won't they talk?" 

Because we care so deeply about our children, we often grasp at any advice given. While well-intentioned, I reckon that most advice given is focused on functioning and compliance. We push and demand eye contact, we drill speech and instructions. But here is what I've learned:

A lack of response does not mean a lack of desire for connection

Every child has the capacity and desire to engage. If they aren't reaching out, it's often because we haven't found the right frequency for them. 

The Science of Relationships

In the DIR (Development, Individual Differences, Relationship) model, we don't look for compliance. We look for:

• Shared Affect: Are we feeling the same joy, frustration, calm, excitement? 

• Regulation: Is the child's nervous system steady and ready to learn?

• Gaze Shifting: Is the child checking in with us, referencing our expressions and movements, because they want to share the experience?

Beyond the Milestone: Why Flourishing Matters

Our culture often emphasizes hitting milestones and preparing for school. While these are important, we cannot stop at "functioning".
In Dr. Eugene's book, The Science of Flourishing, chapter 1 talks about antifragility. Let's talk about how this applies to early intervention. Chapter 1 explains that removing suffering or challenges from life doesn't automatically translate to happiness. 

This is so relevant to how we raise our chidlren. If we only teach children to follow instructions and routines, we are not teaching them to be resilient and antifragile. 

To truly flourish, a child needs more than just a lack of behavioural issues. They need:

• Agency: The ability to choose what they want to struggle with and overcome

• Meaning: A life that is rich and full, not just compliant

• Identity: The confidence to self-advocate when they are being treated unfairly.

As Dr. Eugene suggests, living fully isn't about avoiding challenges - it's about having the agency to choose the experiences that make life worth living. For our kids, that begins by giving them space to make choices in their play.

A New Way of Seeing Your Child

If you stepped into my therapy room - you'd see me "mirroring" the child. 

If a child is easily overwhelmed, I become calm, warm, and steady. If a child is sensory-seeking, I become high energy and excited. I meet them where they are, so they can lead me where they want to go. 

As educators, interventionists, and caregivers - we have to move away from the stress of "fixing" and towards the joy of "flourishing". Because when a child feels seen, safe, and understood - real growth can happen. 

Flourish With Me: A Reflection

If you're feeling stuck in the milestone trap, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Eugene's work on the science of flourishing. While it isn't a parenting book - I find that the insights are relevant across all areas of life. To get you started, think about these two ideas this week:

1. Step Out: Try one thing that pushes your parenting style slightly out of your comfort zone. How does it feel, and what did you notice in that interaction?

2. Reflect on Resilience: Think about a challenge you overcame with your child recently. Instead of focusing on the skill learned, think about how that challenge helped you develop a stronger sense of self as a parent.